We live in a glorious age. What other period in history can boast of such a range of products with which to remove the slimy discharge of one’s nose? My local supermarket has about half an aisle dedicated to tissues. You would be forgiven for thinking there must have been a recent, plague-proportioned outbreak of flu when you look at the sheer quantity available. Of course we don’t really intend to USE all those tissues, but what we do expect these days is choice. I want to decide whether to wipe my nose on a double or triple ply tissue, with or without quilting, perhaps slightly scented, and of course if I am environmentally conscious it is important the tissue is recycled and bleach free. If, however, I’m on day three of a cold and my nose feels like it has been scraped along a cheese grater I probably couldn’t care less about the environment, and want something heavily laced with the soothing properties of aloe-vera.

In our house my wife does the grocery shopping, and it is always a point of excitement for me to see which colour / graphic / design will appear on the week’s tissues. We went through a phase of experimenting with toilet paper in this way, too, but I was worried too much excitement would be bad for my heart. We decided to stick with a regular pattern on the toilet paper, the little blue shells go just right with our tiles. Just when I thought I’d seen it all though (including one earlier this month with either French or Latin phrases floating across a background of oak leaves – very weird), last week she discovered a tissue brand on sale with the weirdest design I’ve seen. The box is covered in kiwi fruit. Now this week I have, incidentally, caught a pretty nasty cold. I’ve been visiting the tissue box quite regularly. Kiwi fruit is a fuzzy, spiky skinned little thing and it is off putting to have to think about such a furry fruit whenever I sneeze. I wipe my red, raw nose and all I can think of is kiwi fruit skin, which isn’t a soothing thought at all. I guess I should be thankful, at least the design isn’t matched on the toilet paper.