Have you read Part 1 and Part 2?

Errr… does this look right to you? Maybe the instructions are upside-down, but I’m pretty sure the pergola isn’t meant to be attached to the tree like that. What will happen in Autumn when all the leaves fall down? The leafless and therefore lighter branch will not sag so much but spring back higher as it loses weight, pulling the entire structure out of its concrete foundations. As for those enormous diagonal planks, they’re going to make it difficult to fit in an outdoor dining setting. This DIY thing is tougher than it looks…
Posted by A.Ready at 9:56 PM 0 comments
Monday, December 31, 2007

Have you read Part 1?

Having successfully destroyed our old, rotten, decrepit pergola, phase two is preparation for the new one. Yes, despite the ongoing trauma of potential tetanus or broken bones, the DIY project continues. I have roped in a few mates, and am too chicken of the ribbing if I back out now.

Yesterday was spent digging holes. I want the pergola to go up, and yet I was instructed to dig down. These weren’t just little craters, either. Step out our back door and it looks like you’ve arrived at a long-drop toilet factory. Like any easily excitable DIY team, we decided at the onset of the digging to hire a power tool. We got ourselves a massive two-man-post-hole-digger. This doesn’t mean it dug a hole as big as two men holding a post, rather it was such a monster that it took two men to handle it.

The funny thing about many digging impliments is that they generally just disturb the dirt, rather than actually removing it. The two-man-post-hole-digger, from now refered to as the 2MPHD, had a massive screw shaped attachment on the bottom that supposedly drilled into the ground. This it did, amidst a cloudy fog of exhaust vapour and a noise that could be heard three neighbourhoods away. Once it had drilled the dirt, though, it all just kind of swirled around in there. As soon as we lifted the 2MPHD out of the ground the dirt all slipped straight back into the hole. I’ve also discovered this phenomenon using a spade, and it seems the deeper the hole is the less dirt will remain on a spade by the time it reaches the top. This is the ground’s natural defense mechanism to discourage civilization from hacking it up too much. It is frustrating to put in so much time and effort for such a little result. This phenomenon has been quantified by Mathematicians with the formula T+E X 0.001 = R. Strangely enough, this is the same formula banks use in working out loan repayments.

The other funny thing about building which amuses me on reflection (although didn’t at the time) is that having spent all day in the sweltering sun digging holes, the next day we returned to fill them up again. Each of the twelve holes now has about fifteen centimeters of concrete in the bottom. This is to sit a post on, which will then have concrete poured around it to fill the rest of the hole. Why not just dig the hole the precise size of the post to start with? Although having room to pour concrete does give an excuse to hire more power tools, bring on the cement mixer!

note the difficulties presented by this hole. We had to hire a small child who could fit under the step to do the work Actually, the step was put there later to prevent small children stepping out the door to disappear forever.
Posted by A.Ready at 7:52 AM 1 comments
Thursday, December 27, 2007

The “Do It Yourself” acronym DIY is a three letter word that should strike fear into my heart, yet sadly it often doesn’t. Not that I’m against the odd spot of manly tool brandishing. I enjoy waving a hammer as well as the next guy, but my “handyman” gene, which is surprisingly strong in my Father, seems to be missing. So although tools are fun, their effectiveness is rarely guaranteed.

I began pulling down a rickety old pergola out the back of our house today. Within the space of just over two hours I had fallen off a ladder and also stepped backward onto a nail that went through my shoe and into my foot. I survived the ladder drop without any damage. Actually, the adrenaline rush I received probably got me through the next two hours of lugging wood and bashing out rusted screws. The nail in the foot has dampened my spirits somewhat though. I sit here writing this with images of gangrenous amputations floating through my brain as I try to avoid remembering the feeling of metal pushing through the fleshy sole of my foot. What is it that drives us to DIY? I am convinced it is a gene; otherwise we wouldn’t still do it. We’d call an expert. If I ever get an infected pancreas I’m not going to remove it myself, I’m going to go to the doctor. When I have a desire to eat roast beef I’m not going to pop out and start slicing up a cow, I’ll visit my local butcher. I shudder to imagine a DIY filling if I ever get tooth decay. If my veranda needs replacing, though, something inside overrides my otherwise fairly stable sense of sanity. All of a sudden, without training or special safety gear, I happily shoot up a ladder and suspend myself precariously above a concrete path.

The DIY appeal may also lie in the allure of saving precious dollars. I mean, really, how hard can it be to pull something apart? Why waste money paying someone to do that? Putting stuff together is a whole different story. I’ve already organised help for the construction of the new pergola. I tried assembling my daughters’ swing set for Christmas and realized when I’d nearly finished that most of the swing assembly was inside out. I also snapped a bolt, and by over-tightening several others bent a major support pole out of shape. My aim was to make it tight to make it safe. Having snapped and warped two integral pieces I think my plan backfired. Back to the money saving then, I’d figured even if I’m not great at putting stuff together I obviously have a knack for wrecking things. Demolition seemed right up my alley. Unfortunately I am well on the way to spending my “savings” on various medical expenses, and also now walk with a limp.

Successful DIY obviously relies on having both the “handyman” gene as well as the “DIY” gene. Otherwise you end up really handy but with no desire to do anything, or the desire to work on a project but a complete lack of skill. Of course, those without either gene are probably the safest. These people cleverly use their spare time selling stuff on Ebay so they can hire someone else to do the dirty work.